Saturday, February 13, 2010

My New Business Model Put on Hold

This morning, I found out about a fairly new, expanding company, Earth-Bound Pets, that offers saintly Christians who might be raptured the opportunity to not have to worry about Fido, Rex, Sylvester or Tweetie, after the Lord has called them up into the Heavens:

You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved. But when the Rapture comes what's to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each
Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

We are currently active in 22 states. Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral / ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet's natural life.

We currently cover the following states:
Maine,New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, Arkansas, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, Colorado, Oklahoma, Kansas, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, North Carolina, and Georgia.

Our service is plain and simple; our fee structure is reasonable.
For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $15.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged and feathered friends.

Unfortunately at this time we are not equipped to accommodate all species and must limit our services to dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, and small caged mammals. [Please note: we can now offer rescue services for horses, camels, llamas and donkeys in NH,VT, ID and MT ]

Thank you for your interest in Eternal Earth-Bound Pets. We hope we can help provide you with peace of mind.

So, I wrote to them:

Dear Eternal Earth-Bound Pets,

I live in Wasilla Alaska. I doubt the rapture will take me. But there are hundreds of people in Sarah Palin's home town who are sure they're on the good list. Do you have franchises available?

Bart wrote back about 30 minutes later:

Dear Phil,

Thank you for your interest in becoming a pet rescuer.

We have received thousands of inquires from people applying to becoming pet rescuers. Unfortunately at this time we are not aggressively expanding our area or pet rescue teams, wanting to keep tight control during our start up phase. However, I will keep your email on file for consideration should we decide to expand into Alaska.

Yours in reason,

aka Dromedary Hump

Darn! What if it happens tomorrow?


Irishgirl said...


Anonymous said...

Almost as good as rescuing garden gnomes......I seriously use such examples in my lesson plans....students love my lessons and so do I ;-)

Basheert said...

OK let me speak frankly. There is no way in HELL these idiotic freaks would come within 50 yards of my ragdolls. We have provided amply with them -

On the other hand...I don't have to worry really. We have NO plans to be raptured and we sure as HELL aren't going to Alaska either.

My pets are safe from crazy loony rapture freaks.

Basheert said...

...I did forget one small thing - in addition, WHEN are these crazy freaks going to rapture themselves and get the bloody hell off of our planet?

All we get are promises, promises...and they're still HERE!

Do they need help to leave?

Anonymous said...

Closing his letter with "Yours in reason"? Really? Doesn't reason mean logical thinking? That is damn funny!

Philip Munger said...

anon @ 4:21,

Check Bart out through the link to his site. He's pretty interesting...

crystalwolf aka caligrl said...

Pretty good, they are grifters too!
I would be willing to get in on this, but booHoo Phil, no more franchise's available... :(

Anonymous said...

God, I would love to know if they have gotten any money for this from our Rebiblicans.

Philip Munger said...


His business is rapidly growing.

What he should do is cut 50/50% deals with Talibangelical ministers under the counter, to convince their flocks that this is a good idea. I'll bet there are thousands of 'em out there who wouldn't hesitate if they thought they could make some $$$ off it. Od dear, I hope Sarah isn't reading PA again.

Anonymous said...

That's hilarious! Luckily, my 3 dogs will still have ME. : )

I wonder if some of those dummies have enriched this guy yet?


crystalwolf aka caligrl said...

Ha Phil@ 5:51...Grifter knows she won't be raptures!

AKPetMom said...

If there was a rapture and a heaven to be placed in after such an event, I'm certain that my dogs and cats would be sucked up into the vortex while I gaze in horror from my earthly station. (well, perhaps one dog, my hellhound, would be left behind to pester me here on earth...)

Is there someone out there willing to rescue ME when all my beloved animal companions disappear into the sky?

My dogs and cats are offering 115 Vitabones for rescuing their first human and 15 Vitabones for each subsequent human in their lives. (That's 115 Vitabones for both of their human companions; these critters are so generous...)

crystalwolf aka caligrl said...

AKPetmom, lol too, cute :)
Really what makes them think the Pets won't be taken and they will?
Pets have more soul than most of these fakey people!

benlomond2 said...

Ha !! Scarah can't make any $$ on THIS one directly, but for a fee, I'm sure she's do a "Shout Out" during her next speech....

AKjah said...

Thump thump thump... thats my head hitting the desk.
Hey my friend has a reptile rescue here on the Kenai. Im sure he's in.
Hey Sarah cant you do a PSA for all us who aint so rapturesque.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely hilarious! SarahPac might lose some donations to this group.

I'm sure if Sarah could figure out some way to wangle a seat on the rapture bus and still be a pet rescuer, she would have it posted on Facebook....although the price would be considerably more than $115 (add three zeros and she'll even give a speech to your Chihuahua with crib notes in one hand (arf woof) and liver treats in the other).

Anonymous said...

Obviously I need a course in Rapture 101. Heretofore, I thought the reason for the rapture was that the earth would be dissolving in the mother of all special effects. Now I find out that post-rapture I still be plugging away trying to earn a living and being kind to fellow creatures and the environment.

I'll be processing this new idea for a while. I'll be contemplating a world containing only UNWORTHY chrisitians and the rest of us god-rejects trying to cope with the abandoned pets and abandoned bank accounts.

Anonymous said...

I always want to know what is going to happen to all those driverless cars careening off the road and headon into traffic...seems irresponsible to me that the Rapture Christians allow themselves to drive...does "Thou shalt not kill" mean ANYTHING to these people? there oughta be a law...