Thursday, August 7, 2008

A Conservative Alaska Mom Answers Questions From Her Child About Sen. Stevens

Steve at What Do I Know? notes that he saw a lot of Ted Stevens 2008 signs in Girdwood yesterday. I'll add that they're popping up all along the Seward Highway between Girdwood and Anchorage, too. It is almost like somebody went out there Tuesday and poured a bunch of Ted Stevens 2008 sign spores on the ground. In this rainy, mushroom-rich environment, they popped up almost overnight, like so many Amanita Muscarias.

I was thinking, as I drove by the Turnagain Arm Ted signs yesterday, what conservative Republican moms must be telling their conservative Republican clone kids about Ted's predicament. Then, this morning, I read this statement St. Ted made to the Ketchikan Daily News:

"This is an indictment for failure to disclose gifts that are controversial in terms of whether they were or were not gifts. It's not bribery; it's not some corruption; it's not some extreme felony."


Kid: Mom, I read that Sen. Stevens took $250,000 worth of "gifts" from a contributor who was getting some big contracts with Ted's help. The report says he didn't report the "gifts" in a disclosure form. Is that OK?

Mom: Well, sweetie, our Ted is a special person. And he's getting old. He probably forgot about it.

Kid: But doesn't he have people working for him he pays a lot of money to, making sure he isn't breaking any rules?

Mom: They have more important things to do, honey. Like calling motorcycle clubs to show up at campaign events, and talking to people about his race horse, and deciding which new facilities should be named after him. Very important stuff.

Kid: But, mom, the government is saying he broke the law in seven ways. Are they telling the truth?

Mom: As powerful and omnipotent as our dear President Bush is, he was stymied by those evil Democrats from getting rid of each and every traitor in the Department of Justice. So, some of the people the president couldn't get rid of are indulging in a lot of payback. That's why these awful government people are after Sen. Stevens, his darling son Ben, and it is why your daddy's friend Don Young is being forced to spend all that money on creepy, slimy lawyers.

Kid: So Sen. Stevens and Rep. Young haven't done anything wrong?

Mom: Oh, cupcake, I'm so proud of you. You're going to make a great Republican.

Kid: But, uh, mom, shouldn't Sen. Stevens have to pay the money that went into remodeling his house?

Mom: I'm sure he would like to, dear, but then the evil Democrats will say, "See, he knows what he did was wrong!"

Kid: Mom, if I help Tommy Smith with his take-home algebra test, he says he will give me some new tires for my bike, just like the ones I've been saving up for. So, if I hear you right, it's OK, because that's sort of what Ted did for his friend, Bill Allen.

Mom: Is Tommy's daddy a Republican?

Kid: I'm not sure, mom. His dad is nice, but he drives a Humvee.

Mom: Well, then, darling, he must be a Republican, so I'm sure it is all right to help Tommy with his take-home test.

Kid: Tommy's mom held a fundraiser for the National Organization for Women.

Mom: Well, then, maybe you'd better think twice before helping that boy. Or talking to him, for that matter, my lamb.

Kid: Did Senator Stevens break any of the Ten Commandments when he took the quarter million? Like stealing, or coveting, or putting other.........

Mom: This conversation has gone way too far, young lady! I think it is time for me to sign you up for another one of those special classes at the Anchorage Baptist Temple.

Kid: Oh, mom, please! I'd rather do anything. I'll even help you and dad going around tonight, like you did last night, knocking down Democrat campaign signs on peoples' lawns. Anything!

image by Dennis Zaki

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

How about, "He really fucked up this time and I'm not sure that God Himself can pull him out of this mess. I am very sad that the best Alaska has to offer Republican-wise is some guy from Florida."

Why do you write dialogue like you do? What Republicans go around knocking down signs? What democrats do? You sound as bad as the Republicans making fun of the Democrats and you all need to grow up.

Anonymous said...

And what is with this cheating BS? I can't say that either party has a monopoly on honesty. Do as you will with your blog, but special classes at ABT? Not helping someone because their mother ran a fundraiser for NOW? PLEASE!

Anonymous said...

mmmmm.....Amanita Muscarias, my favorite way to become one with the universe

clark said...

yep, guys, everyone does it and therefore it's OK, eh? and we'll be watching all the AK dem reps and senators being frog marched off to jail soon, i'm certain of it!

Anonymous said...

How about Uncle Ted's actions were no different than the Democrats who are now running the show. He never used stooges to open the closed divorce records of his opponents like the President did to get elected to the State and then US Senate.

He didn't demand bribes like the former Governor of Illinois did.

He didn't fail to pay his taxes like three of the democrat nominees. No all Uncle Ted did was to forget to claim a few gifts.

He didn't cheat the American public out of much needed tas monies. Here is a novel idea, lets make sure we continue to nominate democrats so that way they wil actual pay their taxes like the rest of us.