I was thinking, as I drove by the Turnagain Arm Ted signs yesterday, what conservative Republican moms must be telling their conservative Republican clone kids about Ted's predicament. Then, this morning, I read this statement St. Ted made to the Ketchikan Daily News:
"This is an indictment for failure to disclose gifts that are controversial in terms of whether they were or were not gifts. It's not bribery; it's not some corruption; it's not some extreme felony."
Kid: Mom, I read that Sen. Stevens took $250,000 worth of "gifts" from a contributor who was getting some big contracts with Ted's help. The report says he didn't report the "gifts" in a disclosure form. Is that OK?
Mom: Well, sweetie, our Ted is a special person. And he's getting old. He probably forgot about it.
Kid: But doesn't he have people working for him he pays a lot of money to, making sure he isn't breaking any rules?
Mom: They have more important things to do, honey. Like calling motorcycle clubs to show up at campaign events, and talking to people about his race horse, and deciding which new facilities should be named after him. Very important stuff.
Kid: But, mom, the government is saying he broke the law in seven ways. Are they telling the truth?
Mom: As powerful and omnipotent as our dear President Bush is, he was stymied by those evil Democrats from getting rid of each and every traitor in the Department of Justice. So, some of the people the president couldn't get rid of are indulging in a lot of payback. That's why these awful government people are after Sen. Stevens, his darling son Ben, and it is why your daddy's friend Don Young is being forced to spend all that money on creepy, slimy lawyers.
Kid: So Sen. Stevens and Rep. Young haven't done anything wrong?
Mom: Oh, cupcake, I'm so proud of you. You're going to make a great Republican.
Kid: But, uh, mom, shouldn't Sen. Stevens have to pay the money that went into remodeling his house?
Mom: I'm sure he would like to, dear, but then the evil Democrats will say, "See, he knows what he did was wrong!"
Kid: Mom, if I help Tommy Smith with his take-home algebra test, he says he will give me some new tires for my bike, just like the ones I've been saving up for. So, if I hear you right, it's OK, because that's sort of what Ted did for his friend, Bill Allen.
Mom: Is Tommy's daddy a Republican?
Kid: I'm not sure, mom. His dad is nice, but he drives a Humvee.
Mom: Well, then, darling, he must be a Republican, so I'm sure it is all right to help Tommy with his take-home test.
Kid: Tommy's mom held a fundraiser for the National Organization for Women.
Mom: Well, then, maybe you'd better think twice before helping that boy. Or talking to him, for that matter, my lamb.
Kid: Did Senator Stevens break any of the Ten Commandments when he took the quarter million? Like stealing, or coveting, or putting other.........
Mom: This conversation has gone way too far, young lady! I think it is time for me to sign you up for another one of those special classes at the Anchorage Baptist Temple.
Kid: Oh, mom, please! I'd rather do anything. I'll even help you and dad going around tonight, like you did last night, knocking down Democrat campaign signs on peoples' lawns. Anything!
image by Dennis Zaki