Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The New Red-Letter Edition of the Bible

Yesterday both Gryph and AK Muckraker wrote about the project afoot at that awesome, evolutionary institution/web presence called "Conservapedia," to rewrite the "Unalterable Word of God," by, uh - changing what God wrote.

I've got about a dozen bibles, including my favorite, the King James Version. I've got one in Spanish, and a delightful rephrasing of the New Testament, by J.B. Phillips. I've got Thomas Jefferson's Bible, that is limited mostly to words spoken by Jesus. It is fairly short.

Another of my favorites was given to me by my Aunt Hazel when I graduated from High School. In the New Testament, the words spoken by Jesus are printed in red. It is called the Red Letter Edition of the Bible.

People all around the blogosphere are coming to the assistance of Conservapedia's efforts to eliminate liberal bias from the Good Book. Here are the early results from that trusty expert, General JC Christian, Patriot:

• "And Jesus spake, 'Become thou now fishers of adjustable rate mortgages'"

• "And Jesus rebuked the money changers for not colluding."

• "Noah commanded the dinosaurs to leave the ark, for they were kind of swarthy"

• "No greater love hath a man than that he gets drunk & endlessly mumbles about the 'socialist' in the White House"

• Change title of "Song of Solomon" to "Solomon's Toe Taps"

• "And Satan appeared to Eve in the shape of an ACORN"

• "Blessed are the warbloggers, for they shall eat cheetos."

• "And David remained king for he had not put his little king into a woman's mouth"

• "And Sampson slew the Philistines with a jawbone of a stegosaurus"

• "Jesus turned the water into napalm and laid waste to the Samaritans for what the Egyptians hath done"

• "Woe be unto the Nazareth Post, for we countethed 13 million people at the Sermon on the Mount."

• "Go thou now and bomb the shit out of the swarthy"

• "Jesus spake, 'I hope those foreign bastards don't translate my English into Greek.'

• "And the Holy Spirit spake unto Mary, 'Hast thou seen mine bald eagle etchings?'"

• "Suffer the little children so their detained parents will talk."

• "And then Adam deliverethed a bill unto Eve for his rib."

• "Collective punishment exciteth me. Had to drape a fleece over mine loins for months after the Great Flood."

• "And behold, Jesus spake, 'Take thine hands off mine fishes & loaves thou mooching motherfuckers'"

• "And Jesus shankethed the census taker with a shiv."

• God forced to marry Mary.

• Jesus turns water into Pabst Blue Ribbon.

• Jesus beats leper for non-payment of healing fees.

Great job, JC! Here's my effort. I've re-worded the beatitudes and some other utterances made by Jesus, imagining he had been unable to resist the temptations of the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glen Beck and Sarah Palin. Jesus' new words, as influenced by these prophets of profit, are in my NEW red-letter edition.

  • Blessed are the WARmakers: for they shall be called the children of Erik Prince. [Matthew 5:9]

  • Resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him to Homeland Security or Blackwater, should he be named Ibn or Mohammed or Hussein also. [Matthew 5:39]

  • I say unto you, Hate your enemies, fuck over them that curse you, do mayhem to them that hate you, and curse them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; [Matthew 5:44]

  • If any one of you is without sin within the last fifteen minutes, let him be the first to cast a stone at her. [John 8:7]

  • Do not judge, lest you too be judged, except when you want to judge without being judged. [Matthew 7:1 & 2.]

  • Blessed are the merciless: for they shall obtain Regnery and Murdoch book contracts and NewsMax book buys. [Matthew 5:7]

  • But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, Rush, your Father, will forgive your trespasses in exchange for 100 oxycontins, delivered in a brown paper bag, behind the nearest Wal Mart. [Matthew 6:15]

  • Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of generosity or cooperation; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions. [Luke 12.15.] Truly, I say unto you, it will be quite easy for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. [Matthew 19:23]

  • You CAN serve both God and Money. [Matthew 6:24.]

  • Render NEVER, therefore, unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's; and unto Jerry Prevo and selected televangelists the things that are God's. [Matthew 22:21]

  • Love your neighbor as best suits your personal interests of the moment .[Matthew 22:39]

  • So in everything, do to others as you would do if you knew nobody was looking at you. [Matthew 7:12.]

  • If you would be perfect, go, set up a telemarketing or sub-prime mortgage loan scam, and you will have treasure in heaven. [Matthew 19:21]

  • But when you give a feast, invite the people most likely to envy or help you in the future, and laugh at the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you, except at outrageously high interest rates. You will be repaid at the resurrection of the just. [Luke 14:13&14.]


clark said...

i always liked 'the gospel of supply side jesus'.

Wilbur Mercer said...

No collection of bibles would be complete without a copy of The Book of Genesis Illustrated by R. Crumb.

Casey said...

This is so ridiculous Phil. So...the rest of world...we are supposed to live by the new Conservative edition of the bible as well? These people need a slap upside the head...not that it would help.